Rum and the Bail-Out Bill

The $700 Billion economic bail out bill that seeks to socialize debts and aid banks and bring about more consolidation, apparently might cheapen your rum. That's right, tacked on to the bill that passed the Senate was a tax break for rums from Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands. That means we're talking cheaper shit like terrorist Bacardi, Captain Morgan, and Palo Viejo (read reviews on this site), but also of rums like Cruzan.

The Virgin Islands' non-voting Congressional representative and industry lobbyists claim this tax break is nothing new, but actually a ninety year old tax break that expired at the end of last year. The cost in revenues to the federal government is estimated at US$192 million over 10 years.

Now, at first I heard this and decided I had to suddenly support the terrible bail-out bill. Hey, cheaper rum. But realizing what kinds of rum meant I have to go against, because it means these transnationals and tourist rums have better prices than the superior brands that I have reviewed on this blog, like Appleton Estate and Mount Gay.

Captain Morgan Parrot Bay Mojito - B-

Nothing beats a real Mojito, and I'll eat my hat if a pre-prepared malt bottle from some tourist rum could ever compare. But I have to say, Captain Morgan has the best bottled malt mojito on the market. It actually tastes minty, and is far superior to Bacardi Silver Mojito, which is just trash.

If you must go for this, trust the Cap'n over any alternative. And if you find any other rums cheapening mojitos (or trying to trademark a fine cocktail: hmmm, how free market is that?), let me know and I'll be sure to seek it out.

By the way, today I'm drinking Appleton Estate.

Appleton Estate - Jamaica - B+

Here we come to a brand that ought to be your regular. At the bar, liquor store or grocery, you'll likely have a chance at Jamaica's best known.

There are two bottles of Appleton Estate you will typical find. Silver or gold bottles of special, which can be among your cheaper options, and the more elegant V/X bottle, which should be a mid-priced bottle.

Appleton Estate V/X could become your staple rum. It is a popular mixer but as good a bottle for sipping as you will need to have on hand. With just smooth enough a flavor to offset the bite, it is worthy for any occasion, from partying to relaxation. V/X takes very well with any of the major rum mixes that prefer golden brands, particularly with egg nog or cola, and the taste difference with cheaper gold rums is noticeable. And because it is really easy to find, and price drives around $18, you never need be without. With a little more difficulty, you can also find higher quality bottles, like Appleton's Extra or Reserve.

AE Special, on the other hand, is the cheaper bottle, shaped and serving you like a Palo Viejo, and usually not more than a buck or two more. For what is basically a bottom shelf rum, Special
is mainly a mixer or for the poor drunkard who can't afford what their tastebuds deserve. And it comes in gold or silver, so here you have as good a choice for daiquiris or mojitos.

Rhum Barbancourt - Haiti - A

Haiti's Barbancourt is one of the few challengers, in my view, to the rums of the Spanish-speaking Caribbean basin. It is smooth and syrupy, a wonderful all-around sipper. It can be spicy, with hints of vanilla and ginger, and even a bit citrusy. I have had the bottles aged 4 years, 8 years, and 15 years, and each is a high quality option, though I've neglected the silver variety, the only one really meant for mixing. Most bottles have a higher alcohol content, but I don't find that there's any extra kick. I can't promise you'll find this bottle everywhere, but particularly at upscale stores it's a must. It is also interesting to note that Barbancourt was found in the latter half of the 19th Century, long after the Haitian revolution that eradicated slavery from the country.

10 Cane - Trinidad - B+

There was an unscientific study in a local paper claiming that 10 Cane, as expensive as it is, did not come out on top in taste tests compared to some other common options. If capitalism is in large part about psychology, 10 Cane has gotten to my head. A smooth, tasty rum, overpriced as Hell, some high class bars keep it on stock as their staple. Not my favorite pick for mojitos, or perhaps that was the preparer, but I loved downing an entire bottle with a wealthy friend, and had no problems the next morning.

Sailor Jerry - Transnational - B

Admiral Nelson. Captain Morgan. But Sailor Jerry is my top pick for spiced rums, with a more refined taste, a higher proof, and a dancing lady tattoo in the bottle. Beat that, tourist rums. Admittedly, I’m not a regular, but good for gringos in frats and sororities, beach kids, people at the resort, and still sometimes cheaper than the far more common Captain.

Admiral Nelson - Transnational - C

The cheaper Abbott to Captain Morgan’s Costello, this is what it’s more known rival is, a ‘spiced’ flavored tourist rum. Anything said of Morgan’s can be said of Nelson’s, except that the Admiral can be down to a third the price of the Captain, and that’s not a quality judgment.

Panama Jack - Panama - C

Tourism rum, Panama Jack is not sold in Panama. Well, perhaps in a resort, but never having been to one, I wouldn’t know. An add-on to a brand of sunscreens and beach clothes and equipment, it’s ‘spiced’ flavored like some of your more common tourism rums, most notably Captain Morgan, but it probably has a better taste for what it is.

Palo Viejo - Puerto Rico - B-

Perhaps my favorite bottom shelf rum, and like my other favorites, Puerto Rican. The silver is actually a bit smoother than the gold, though neither tastes very good on its own. Palo is best for parties which no one comes to for class, and mix drinks where you aren’t trying to make the finest glass in town. Don’t pay more than $10 for a fifth, and I’ve gotten that for $9 after tax.

Myers - Jamaica - B

Like Appleton and Mount Gay, an easy to find rum, but with more specific uses. Myers, fine as it is, cannot compete with either on grounds of straight sipping, but is a necessity for any number of mix drinks where almost no other brand will do (though often only one of multiple rums used for simultaneously). You get Myers for the Original Dark, though the newer silver brand adds Myers to the running for even more cocktail recipes. Buttery, dark, and sometimes quite rich, a little Myers adds your options.

Wray & Nephew - Jamaica - A-

This company actually makes some other brands, but the most widely available under this name is Jamaican Overproof, your solution to having to boycott terrorist Bacardi’s 151. At 126 proof, you likely won’t be able to tell that it’s a bit weaker. When I was a teen, I would pour a dram and then be too afraid to down it, actually getting a little drunk off the fumes. But older and wiser, I now know JO can be masked by some fruit juice and get you really fucked up without burning a hole through your throat. Also, there are a wide selection of drinks that call for overproofs, ranging from the Rum Runner to the Malibu Colada, to stronger Daquiris.

Malibu - Barbados - D

Not all tourist rum is spiced. Malibu, the most popular flavored rum, is made by a sunscreen company. But it isn’t a total crime to occasionally possess a bottle, at least for particular mix drink purposes. The original flavor is coconut, but I detected a distinct fishy taste in some of the other flavors, including pineapple and mango. This isn’t so strange if you recall that some beers are processed using fish oils. Rums are not, but is Malibu? In the end, you really don’t need flavored rum in your life anymore than you need leg lamps or tiki bars.

Ron Viejo de Caldas Aged 3 Years - Colombia - A

I was lucky to find this in a random liquor store in a Mexican neighborhood. Seriously, buena suerte. But if you do happen upon it, it’s a fine sipping rum with a great syrupy aroma. Not a high-class rum, but you’ll still want to roll it in the glass and give it some time for the flavors to air out. The brand, born in 1928, is from the Industria Licorera de Caldas, which though it has no para-scandals, is probably, like any other Colombian business, party to investing in death squad murders and harassment of the workforce. But, until we find any evidence, ignorance is bliss.

Cockspur - Barbados - B

A little harsher than it’s more common compatriot, Cockspur is a perfect example of a great, typical rum. It’s sweet and strong, aged like Bourbon (common to a lot of rums), moderately priced (I’ve found it for $12), and works well mixed, neat, or on the rocks. Basically, a good all-around rum, though admittedly with little distinction. In some locales, you will find it just as easy to procure a fine or mid-quality bottle as a cheaper one, and the price difference is only worth it if you can afford it.

Mount Gay - Barbados - B+

Claiming to be the oldest consistently produced rum, Mount Gay’s eclipse brand is also one of the most likely finds at your local bar, liquor store or grocer. And you should be grateful. Objectively, we have a sometimes almost syrupy sweet flavor in this, the least of Mount Gay’s non-flavored rum options. A fine mid-priced choice, Eclipse is as suitable for mix drinks and for smooth sipping, on the rocks or neat. Of Barbados origins, one of several islands claiming the origins of kill-devil, Mount Gay is one of your two best easy-to-finds. Just remember, the flipside of the company’s claim to such a long history is that perhaps half of its existence is steeped in slavery.

Brugal - Dominican Republic - A

There are three island countries in the Caribbean that speak Spanish, yet rum (ron en espanol) is often most identified with Spanish speaking islands (in large part thanks to marketing by Bacardi and Captain Morgan). Dominican rums can be harder to find (though not as hard as Cuban in the US), which is a huge shame because they are certainly among the best. The anejo Brugal bottles come in yellow netting that I’m told makes for games based on trying to liberate the bottle back in the home country. A great rum, particularly for sipping, smooth and serene, sometimes with a distinct but easy flavor.

Captain Morgan - Transnational - D

The premiere ‘spiced’ flavored tourist rum. The rum for people who have no desire to taste rum, but want to stick to artificial additives and a jock sensibility. Plenty processed, this claims to be Puerto Rican, but like some other highly mass produced brands, they’ll throw whatever in from wherever. Great for high school gringos, frat parties, and Cancun resorts, but if you have other non-terrorist options, don’t waste your time. Still, sometimes this is your only safety from falling into Bacardi’s terrorist clutches, and Morgan Silver is good enough for bar mix drinks. Just don’t get caught with this at home if you’re of legal age to drink.

Zacapa - Guatemala - A+

The best rums don’t necessarily come from islands. Actually, many of the best rums come from mainland Central and South America, and Zacapa is at the top of the list. One of the finest, smoothest rums, aged up to over two decades, Zacapa is perfectly choice. It’s the brand that won some awards so many years in a row they had to take it out of competition to give other rums a chance. It’s the rum competitions start with but don’t score, using it instead as a standard. And it’s probably out of your price range. Some of the more aged bottles can be found at a particularly good liquor store near you fetching $50 a piece. Never drink mixed. Sip, don’t shoot. Let breath before trying. Swirl in the glass. Take a sniff. This is rum. Now the downer. Like many rums from troubled countries, it is highly doubtful Licorera Zacapaneca didn’t play a vile role in the more than 30 year war in Guatemala.

Havana Club - Cuban - A+

In some parts of the world, this is simply one of the standards, and estadounidenses bringing Cuban rum back into their country from the rest of the Americas almost exclusively bring this. It's a one of the greatest, with a wonderful and sweet aroma, and a smooth flow. I've probably gone through at least seven bottles of dark HC in my life, and it never gets old. Havana Club has earned a number of Silver and Gold medals, and they're all deserving.

But all of the hoopla does set you up for disappointment, as hype always does, and indeed Havana Club is made different ways for different markets. The best bottles to my mind are safe at sale on the island, and I’ve had some relatively weaker bottles in other countries. But a great bottle of Havana Club is worth the wait, especially Reserva or anejos aged seven to fifteen years (the latter which I've only tasted once). HC also makes golden rums for flexible uses, and silvers for mixing, but whoever goes to the trouble to get the dark bottles should keep it neat or on the rocks for that sweet woodsy flavor. I've actually had the chance to taste almost all of their non-flavored bottles at tastings and from friends bringing it back, and they're all exceptional, so bringing back a bottle of gold rum is acceptable. So next time you head up to Canada for more affordable pharmaceuticals, don't forget to pick up a drug of a different sort to ease your pains (there are liquor stores near the northern border where you can pick it up most easily).

Corporate Hypocrisy

Bacardi has long tried to steal the brand name as a way to cut into Cuba’s revenues from HC. It’s a simple idea- as HC is a standard around the world, millions of consumers would make the mistake and accidentally purchase the Bacardi bottle. But this tactic is usually illegal, which is why there is Arby’s and Hardy’s, Coke and Pepsi, McDonald’s and Burger King, or Kaopectate and Peptobismol. It is basic intellectual property rights 101. And normally, Bacardi is as ideologically neo-liberal and capitalistic as corporations come (which is why they’re willing to finance bombings). But their commitment to free trade stops 93 miles from Florida, and this is another example besides the embargo. Make sure that the US doesn’t accept Cuban trademarks and patents, and create the decoy under the exact brand name. As an anti-capitalist, I shouldn’t be opposed to this in theory, but between the hypocrisy, the fact that it is only one of Bacardi’s tactics, and the fact that HC is made by a state-owned Cuban firm where workers have a far greater say than in almost any other in the rum industry, it isn’t unprincipled to call this tactic criminal.

the sweat of slave cane

It is said that modern rum was discovered by slaves. The exact circumstances of this particular theory were as unwritten as most of the slave experience, but it's an interesting theory. Made from the molasses that in the 16th Century was just the waste of the refining process of slave-grown sugar cane fields, it is said that some exploited Africans discovered the quality drunk derived from fermenting the white master's waste.

Some try to dispel this view, conjuring that it was the enterprising masters and colonial lords who discovered a way to make value out of the dregs of their industry. If this indeed be the case, rum is no less birthed by the African holocaust of hemispheric chattel slavery, and the indigenous holocaust laid on by European conquerors.

Just for my admonishment of Bacardi, acquaintances have chided me for politicizing my spirits, as typical a critique if ever the was one. But as a connoisseur (or geek) of sugar cane based liquors, I would be committing an unpardonable crime to isolate the product from the process and the past. Or perhaps that would be a crime to my marxism.

Rum is as political as electoral campaigns, riots, and sneakers. And it is a fine sub-plot to anyone's life, as fine as any other culinary obsession, be they whiskey or wine, pork or potatoes.

At base

So I start with a dual premise, both Marxist and aesthetic. To reiterate, we must use many tools to break the alienation of our products from their processes and producers, capitalism is inherently exploitative and vile, no business is good business, and the bourgeoisie controls the forces of production, forcing us to complicitly depend upon their industries.

That latter point is as crucial as any other. Someone find me a worker-owned rum distillery. No? Then I will take you along for my journey to discover the world's best and worst rums.

A more consumer-based and less radical theme guides some of this as well. As I said, all capitalist business is evil, but some worse than others. If a brand were behind the 9/11 attacks, you wouldn't purchase it either, would you?

Well, I didn't need a thin little book to tell me that the world's biggest rum seller is in large part responsible for a trans-national web of terrorist attacks, while in the field of politics it endorses both free trade and intellectual property rights while doggedly pursuing campaigns that fruitfully undermine both.

Bacardi. It tastes like piss, and pays for bombs. But more on that later.